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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Back to Square One

I cannot believe how spectacularly I let the wheels fall off this week. I know I’ve said it before, but I really mean it this time.

Since Saturday, which was the last time I did any kind of intense exercise, I have eaten like the Beth of old, although I have not allowed myself French fries or pizza. The only workout I’ve gotten in was a session with my trainer last night and a 15 minute walk on the treadmill before that. And my ass was dragging.

I’ve had doughnuts, bagels, white bread, peanut butter, soft pretzels, bacon (although only once), ice cream (both full fat and low fat), cake, 2 mozzarella sticks (only 2) and Lord knows what else.

Why? I’ve been depressed, some of it relating to my own stupid issues (feeling awkward in public, being single, daddy issues), some of it due to 9/11 anniversary over-load. I also had the stress of starting a new part-time job and feeling nervious, and also just not giving a damn.

Now I’ve got weigh in coming in tomorrow, and I’m again going to have a gain. I know I’m still under goal weight, and heck, I think I even weigh less than I did at the beginning of the summer, but it’s still difficult to see the scale creep up. I also feel bloated and my stomach feels pouchy.

I feel like I’ve become a poster child, one that I’ve secretly enjoyed, for weight loss, but feel some stress from from it as well. I know I need to keep the weight off for me, and I do, but I also feel like I will have let people down yet again if I gain the weight back, or worse, just fulfilled the expectations of those who are waiting for me to gain the weight back.

I need to strip all of that away, and remember what got me started in the first place – not being happy with how I looked or felt. Wanting to do things, like run, that I couldn’t do at 230 pounds.

I feel sluggish today – the garbage I’ve been eating is filtering through my system, dragging me down from an energy perspective, and I know that is affecting my mood.

I know I can do this, and I can do it for more than one week at a time. It’s time to stop acting like an idiot and do the right thing. So, I’m going to wrap up this blog entry, eat lunch in about an hour, and then hit the treadmill. Maybe not a run, get in a good walk. I need to stop growing roots to the chair and get back to basics.

Time to grab that rope, tie a knot at the end of it, and hold on.