Sigh...my poor neglected blog.
I didn't want it to be like this. I wanted to post frequently, with witty, insightful posts. Not whiny self-serving diatribes about how things suck, or with pointless wandering posts about books and movies.
But here I am. I'm sure both of you still reading have just about given up on me by now, and I don't blame you. But, for what it's worth, here's where I'm at.
The weight loss train has come to a dead stop I'm sad to say. For those of you who have supported me, I'm sorry I may have disappointed you. Know that it is nowhere near as much as I've disappointed myself.
I have no excuse except for the fact that I like food and I hate bad feelings. When I feel sad, or mad or otherwise not "jolly" (as people expect us fat folks to be) I eat to numb the pain. I guess it's slightly better than drinking a fifth of vodka, but not as good for my waist-line or my arteries.
I wish I could stop the negative feelings. I'm not a nice person when I'm like this. I lash out at everyone: family, friends, loved ones. Especially family. A wise person once said you always hurt the ones you love. So, look at the bright side, if I've been a bitch to you, that means I love you. Yes, even you Kelly.
So, what are the negative feelings? I'll lay it on the line, here's some insight into what that ugly little voice says. "You're fat." "Your career's a joke. You'll never amount to anything without a degree." "You're ugly." "No one will ever love you." "You're going to die alone."
Not nice to read, is it? Really not nice to have to constantly tell those little voices to shut the hell up. It's one hell of a lot easier to eat a cheese steak and an order of fries. At least that keeps the voice's mouth busy - it can't tell me what a loser I am.
So, where to go from here? I don't know.
I do know that have some work to do - repairing relationships, getting my life back in order. Getting a gag order for that little annoying voice. Clearly communicating what I need when I ask for help.
To anyone still reading, who I haven't hopelessly alienated, I need your support. Not necessarily advice, not even your physical support.
Is it strange to say I need happy thoughts? Ok, how about moral support. I need you to support my morals...what?...wait...that doesn't sound right.
Ok, you know what I mean.
Thanks :)
