Reflections

For those of you living under a rock (or who have smartly blocked my updates from your Facebook feed) I will be celebrating a birthday on Wednesday. Wait...celebrating may be the wrong word, especially since I will be entering my late 30s, as my boss kindly pointed out. Of course, given the alternative, that alternative being dead, I guess marking another birthday isn't a bad thing, so bottoms up!

As I've gotten older, my birthday has triggered periods of introspection. Who am I? Where am I in my life? Who do I want to be? I guess that's normal, especially as one gets older, but it's kind of new for me. Growing up, my birthday was just a day for celebration. Where's my present, pass the cake, and once I turned 21, is the bar open yet? Those were the questions of the day. Not this deep introspective shit.

But for better or worse, this is where I'm at. Consider this my personal State of the Union address.

Friends, Family, the state of my union (to continue this metaphor) is good. Not great, but good. 35 was an interesting year.

Thankfully, I'm still employed, some of my friends can't say that. And I like what I do, and most of the people I do it with, so that's a plus.

I branched out of my comfort zone this year. I rejoined a co-ed gym, started working out again after struggling with ED. I ventured back into running, started taking spinning classes, working with a trainer. I've tried to embrace balance - taking a day (or four) off, or even a week, and then getting back onto the program. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm embracing the concept of forgive yourself and move on.

I tried on-line dating (also again). I went on a few dates, and ultimately decided that the dating world isn't ready for me yet. But the take away is that I put myself out there, even though I was terrified of rejection. I'm still single, but after seeing what is out there, for the moment, that's OK. Mr. Right is out there, but we're not ready for each other yet.

I experienced loss this year losing my grandfather. I miss him, and I'm sad thinking about how it affected my family, but I hope I can live as full of a life as he did.

I'm still in touch with the friends I was blessed to reconnect with a few years ago. Without their support, this year would have been even more difficult.

Are there things I would have changed in my 35th year? Yes, if I'm honest, but I wouldn't trade what I have learned for anything.

Where do I want to be this time next year? Healthier (read: thinner, who the hell am I kidding with this healthier crap?), with a better self image. Still employed, hopefully making more money (Dear President Obama - work on the economy now, thanks). Closer to my family and friends, perhaps with a Mr. Beth by my side. But overall, another year like this one, eh...I could deal with it.

In closing, Happy Birthday to me. Here's to another 35 (hopefully more)!

Open Letter

Please excuse me this indulgence friends, but I have something I need to get off my chest and I'm not sure I'd have the guts to do this face to face.

Dear K,

Please pardon the lack of the honorific "Aunt", but given the events of the last few months, I'm not sure I can think of you that way anymore.

Before Grandpop died, you crossed the line, I admit that. It was out of respect for my grandfather that I didn't call you out on it. You talked to my mother like she was crap and she took it, and believe me, that had little to do with the advice my sister and I gave.

You wanted to let my grandfather die like he was a dog on the side of the road. I thank God that my sister and my mother called that morning, and my sister put her livelihood on the line that day. She put her career at risk to ensure that our grandfather didn't suffocate in pain. You wanted to let him suffer. I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for that.

Your tantrum the day after grandpop died was unacceptable, and your accusations towward my mother were uncalled for.

You are the one who cannot be trusted, not my mother.

I've stayed away until recently. Not because I don't love my grandmother, but because I respect her, and I respect my mother. I allowed myself to think better of you, in spite of your actions in the days after my grandfather's death. I allowed myself to think that you had turned a corner.

Tonight that all changed. The old "K" came back, talking to my mother like she was a piece of shit. I won't forgive that. I won't forgive you.

I'm done. Saturday just may have been the last time you'll ever see me. I hope you can live with that. I hope you can live with yourself.

Fuck you.