Just for today, I will be in control of what I eat
Just for today, I will not binge
Just for today, if I do binge, I will forgive myself and move on, no purge
Just for today, I will not eat my trigger foods
Just for today, I will remember that soft pretzels, doughnuts, crusty bread and 100 calorie packs of cookies will still be there tomorrow
Just for today, I will love and honor my body in it's current state
Just for today, I will not beat myself up for what I did last week, yesterday or ten minutes ago
Just for today, and everyday
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Losing Sight, Needing Prayers
I feel like I’ve been spiraling the past few weeks, repeating the cycle of following program, falling off for a few days, going into a binge/purge cycle and then repeating. I’m sick of it.
I’ve lost sight of the fact that this is a journey. I can’t, and I’m not going to, be in this for the short term.
People have told me to call them or reach out when I feel a binge coming on. I haven’t and there is a reason why. When I’m cycling up to a binge, I almost don’t want to be talked out of it, and when I purge, it’s like I want to be caught but at the time, I also want to get rid of the calories I’ve consumed. Is this strange? I honestly don’t know at this point.
I know why I binge – a big part is stuffing down the feelings, smaller part is a food craving. I want to be perfect in this, and yeah, I know, that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t want to feel frustration – frustration over daily things. For all that I talk the talk, I don’t do the walk very well. When I’m upset it’s easier to eat a bagel then to tell somebody. When I’m sad it’s easier to eat some bread than to cry. Instead I eat and then feel frustrated or sad with myself, for not dealing with the issue, and for overeating.
Talking about this is hard, writing is actually easier (and cheaper). If I cry, the tears fall on a keyboard, and there are no witnesses. I don’t feel like I have to apologize for the incoherent talk, the runny nose, the shaking hands.
I do know I need to change my actions. As I type this on Wednesday, I’m in day two of a binge cycle. For today, I am trying really hard not to purge. Honestly, I purged yesterday, and I also did on Sunday. I’ve done so a few times in the weeks past. I know it’s wrong, it’s not healthy, and it goes against everything I’ve been trying to do. But there it is, I can’t take it back. I can just try not to do it today.
So where do I go from here? Weigh in day is Friday. That’s a new week for program, and I am mentally prepared to start back, not on maintenance, but just regular program. 29 Points a day, plus 39 Weekly and my Activity Points. I need to go back to basics and get off of the roller coaster of splurge/binge and “normal”.
I have a food centric event on Saturday, a lunch time family reunion at a buffet. I’d like to skip it but I know that’s not an option. I’m hoping to work through it by keeping a calm head, but keeping my focus on the fact that I have come too far to go back now. But if I do lose the plot, that’s going to have to be OK, because it’s just lunch. I’m working on a plan and I need to stick with it.
I know this may seem small to some of you, but it isn’t for me. I’ve been a yo-yo (as my dad likes to remind me) my whole life, and it needs to stop. I need to keep the weight off once and for all, and focus on being healthy, not skinny, but healthy, and that means not being a binge eater, and not being bulimic, and not abusing my body.
What I need right now, and I don’t ask for this lightly, are prayers, not hovering, just pray that I have strength. I need strength to push through this. I’ve been in therapy before, and it just hasn’t helped. I know what I need to do – stop abusing my body, stop abusing food. I need to stop the cycle. So if you can keep me in your prayers, whether they are to God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks.
I’ve lost sight of the fact that this is a journey. I can’t, and I’m not going to, be in this for the short term.
People have told me to call them or reach out when I feel a binge coming on. I haven’t and there is a reason why. When I’m cycling up to a binge, I almost don’t want to be talked out of it, and when I purge, it’s like I want to be caught but at the time, I also want to get rid of the calories I’ve consumed. Is this strange? I honestly don’t know at this point.
I know why I binge – a big part is stuffing down the feelings, smaller part is a food craving. I want to be perfect in this, and yeah, I know, that ain’t gonna happen. I don’t want to feel frustration – frustration over daily things. For all that I talk the talk, I don’t do the walk very well. When I’m upset it’s easier to eat a bagel then to tell somebody. When I’m sad it’s easier to eat some bread than to cry. Instead I eat and then feel frustrated or sad with myself, for not dealing with the issue, and for overeating.
Talking about this is hard, writing is actually easier (and cheaper). If I cry, the tears fall on a keyboard, and there are no witnesses. I don’t feel like I have to apologize for the incoherent talk, the runny nose, the shaking hands.
I do know I need to change my actions. As I type this on Wednesday, I’m in day two of a binge cycle. For today, I am trying really hard not to purge. Honestly, I purged yesterday, and I also did on Sunday. I’ve done so a few times in the weeks past. I know it’s wrong, it’s not healthy, and it goes against everything I’ve been trying to do. But there it is, I can’t take it back. I can just try not to do it today.
So where do I go from here? Weigh in day is Friday. That’s a new week for program, and I am mentally prepared to start back, not on maintenance, but just regular program. 29 Points a day, plus 39 Weekly and my Activity Points. I need to go back to basics and get off of the roller coaster of splurge/binge and “normal”.
I have a food centric event on Saturday, a lunch time family reunion at a buffet. I’d like to skip it but I know that’s not an option. I’m hoping to work through it by keeping a calm head, but keeping my focus on the fact that I have come too far to go back now. But if I do lose the plot, that’s going to have to be OK, because it’s just lunch. I’m working on a plan and I need to stick with it.
I know this may seem small to some of you, but it isn’t for me. I’ve been a yo-yo (as my dad likes to remind me) my whole life, and it needs to stop. I need to keep the weight off once and for all, and focus on being healthy, not skinny, but healthy, and that means not being a binge eater, and not being bulimic, and not abusing my body.
What I need right now, and I don’t ask for this lightly, are prayers, not hovering, just pray that I have strength. I need strength to push through this. I’ve been in therapy before, and it just hasn’t helped. I know what I need to do – stop abusing my body, stop abusing food. I need to stop the cycle. So if you can keep me in your prayers, whether they are to God or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks.
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