Faith

I don’t talk about religion much, at all actually. Some of that has to do with my education (K though 12 at a Catholic school). We had religion/theology daily, so what was there to talk about? There is also the matter of “turn about is fair play” in my mind. If I talk to you about my faith, than you have a fair shot to talk to me about yours. There is too much of a chance of evangelization, which frankly makes me uncomfortable. Also, believe it or not, there are some things that I feel are private. Religion is one (sex is the other, in case you’re wondering).

That said, I was re-reading my “100 Things About Me” post (http://bethina74.blogspot.com/p/moi.html), and noticed a few things that need updating, not that I’ve actually updated them, but at least I’ve noticed it. One of those things was number 18 - I try to pray every night even though I don’t consider myself to be especially religious. That has changed since I originally wrote it. Somewhere along the line, I stopped praying. Life seemed to be sucking, despite how much I prayed for it not to. I asked God nightly to give me strength to change – my weight, my life, my personal finances, even my love life. I also asked God to keep my family healthy and safe.

Then I got rejected by someone (He Who Shall Not Be Named, formerly known as BATS) who I thought liked me.

My finances got worse, not better.

My grandmother got Alzheimer’s, and it didn’t get better, in fact, it seemed to get worse.

My grandfather died.

Somewhere along the line, I began to believe that God stopped listening, so I stopped talking to him.

I’m beginning to question this line of thinking now.

I’m not ready to go into the details (and full and fair disclosure, not sure if I ever, in this forum, ever will), but last Friday/Saturday I think I hit rock bottom, for me. For the first time in a long time, I prayed last Saturday night. Things didn’t change, but when I woke up on Sunday, life seemed a bit better.

I started thinking about this last night, when I ordered a t-shirt with the following slogan: Love Jesus? Hate Bigotry?, thinking it was (a) pretty awesome and (b) a nice advertisement for a blog that I think has a great message. After I hit the “Buy Now” button, I got to thinking, this shirt could initiate some conversations at the gym (where I intend to wear it), which I’m not sure I’m 100% comfortable with. But I still want to wear the shirt. I do love Jesus (I don’t think I have ever expressed that since, like, 2nd grade), but I’m not ready to discuss Jesus. Because that means you get to talk to me (and therefore evangelize) about your religion. I’m not an advertisement for Catholicism, my particular “flavor” of Christianity. I have a number of problems with the practices and politics of the Catholic Church, which I won’t go into here. I’ve explored other denominations, but Catholicism feels comfortable to me, like my favorite sweat pants (which I want to be buried in, FYI).

So where is this going? Nowhere particularly meaningful most likely for those of you who have read the past 500+ words. It’s just something I needed to “put pen to paper to”.

Do I pray nightly now? No. Do I think God listens? Perhaps. I’m still trying to keep the faith. It’s a process.

FYI, if you are intrigued by the shirt I mentioned, the blog it’s connected to is here: http://johnshore.com