Forgiveness

This past week has been a rough one. I admit it for the record…I’ve slipped into some bad habits, not just with eating, but with binge and purge in the past week or so.

It stops now

I’ve been freaking out a bit about being at goal, and it has to stop. What good has this freaking out done for me? I’ve been questioning everything. From the amount of exercise – it too much (probably), not enough (maybe) or just right (perhaps) to the amount of food I eat, and how I react when it all doesn’t go to plan (not well if it involves what I’ve done more than once and I’ll spare you the gory details).

Over the past two days I’ve been eating a record amount food (for me since I’ve been back on WW at least), and I’ve purged more often than I’d care to admit in the past week. On the surface, I look the same, at least I think I do. My jeans still fit, I’m not bursting any seams. So the time to rein things in is now.

I hold myself to high standards, higher than I should, and when I don’t meet them, my first instinct is to throw in the towel. That isn’t an option this time. It’s time for me to grow up, accept that I’m not perfect, and start over again. I need to regroup, and get back the focus that has helped me be successful. I need to take my own advice – forgive yourself, and move on. I need to stop holding myself to standards I wouldn't expect of anyone else.

So here I am, admitting what I’ve done. I’ve binged and I’ve purged , and it’s time for me to accept that I’ve made mistakes and move on from them. I forgive myself, and I am going to strive not to repeat the mistakes that I’ve made. I can't put the genie back in the bottle, and I can't take back the decisions I've made.

I am going to see the results of my binges on the scale on Friday, how can I not? But I need to accept it, and move on from it, and live the life I am meant to live without punishing myself and my body.

Breakfast is going to be a healthy one, my workout will be a good and solid one, and lunch and dinner will follow suit. No gorging on bread, no secretly eating excess food, and no doing things that I shouldn't if I were to derail and go off plan.

I'm still me on the inside if I'm five pounds heavier, or five pounds lighter. That doesn't change. I need to change how I react when I hit a bump along the way, by not abusing my body by purging, or by gaining 90 pounds. I need to confront what is bothering me head on, and not dive into a pile of food to stuff it down.

Right now what is bothering is the pressure I'm putting on myself. The pressure to be perfect - to be under goal, to maintain. So here is my message to me: Well guess what Beth, you're not perfect. You're never going to be. The best you can do is try, and sometimes that means failure, but that doesn't mean throwing in the towel. If you gain five pounds, you'll lose it. Gaining five more accomplishes nothing except being ten pounds heavier. You don't expect anybody else to be perfect. Why do you expect it from yourself? Nobody else does.

So you've messed up tonight. You're going to make a cup of tea and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Do your best. Signed, Beth