I feel like shit.
I’m not sick, allergies are OK despite the pollen and humidity. I’ve been eating like a human garbage can since last Friday.
Oh, lighten up I thought. It’s a holiday weekend. It started with a doughnut after an unexpected 2 pound weight loss at weigh in.
From there on it’s been downhill. The people living with me don’t really know because I closet eat. It’s part of my thing. I’m uncomfortable eating OP (Off Program) in front of other people, even if I have the “budget” from Weekly Points and Activity Points, especially when I've blown my budget. Pretzels and doughnuts are the key culprints, easy to eat while driving. I have literally driven from one convenience store to another to buy binge food and eat it on the way. I can’t really explain it, I wish I could so I could stop it. The good news is that I'm working really hard to get the purging under control. It's a struggle and a process, but I'm working on it.
Yesterday I got a prelunch peptalk from my friend J. I ate my healthy salad, fruit as a snack, killer workout, healthy dinner. Then I started snacking.
So it’s come to this, Wednesday, Day 6 of my binge. I’ve worked out everyday except today, so that works in my favor, although the fact that I couldn’t face the heat has backed me into a workout corner. Now I’m stuck in a room with 15 colleagues, with no sign of getting out anytime soon so I can exercise at a reasonable time. I’m wearing a suit that if I’m honest has always been snug. On one hand I’m pretty sure it’s no tighter than usual, although given the guilt I’m feeling from the poor eating (excessive snacking more like) it feels like a sausage casing. The scale is up at least 2.5 pounds since last Friday, Lord knows what it will be like by Saturday.
I know that how I’ve eaten over the past few days doesn’t even hold a candle to how I used to eat but I’m still feeling bad. I also know that I’m too hard on myself. I know that, really I do. I saw the movie Black Swan a few months ago, and the lead character (who winds up killing herself in the end in a state of psychosis – I won’t spoil the movie for you but it wasn’t an intentional suicide, and please don’t misinterpret this comparison as a threat) has a constant refrain – she wants to be perfect. That rang true with me. No, not the start ballet, dress up in bird feathers, have a psychotic break with reality wherein (SPOILER ALERT) I think I've killed the person that is my rival but have actually stabbed myself in the stomach.
No, I want to be perfect.
Oh, and Black Swan while good, was a really strange movie. But I did learn that trying to be perfect is really not a good thing.
It’s not rational, it’s not practical. It’s setting myself up for failure, thus starting a shame spiral from not being perfect. Perfection cannot be attained. I know this. Really I do. I need to find a way to loosen the reins and live. Indulge without binging.
I can’t change today (or Tuesday, Monday, Sunday, Saturday or Friday) but I can change go forward. I can choose differently tomorrow. I can live in the now.
I still have a race coming up – one in July and another in November. I will be running them.
I have a new wardrobe – buying one in a bigger size is not an option. I will be wearing it three months from now.
My breakfast, lunch and snacks (healthy and on program) are both still in the fridge. I will be eating them tomorrow. The vending machine and I are on a break. Except for a diet coke and perhaps a cup of black coffee, nothing else will be purchased by me in the cafeteria tomorrow. Gas (and perhaps fruit) is all Wawa will be selling me – no doughnuts, no soft pretzels.
I will be up at 5:00 am tomorrow and Friday since the way today has gone, the gym after work probably isn't realistic. Brass tacks: I feel better when I workout. The day starts on a good note. A part of me is even starting to like how free I feel when I run. Shhh! Don't tell anyone.
I know I have the tools. One day of not exercising doesn’t mean I will have lost my endurance. Because of these meetings, I won’t be able to work with my trainer this week. This doesn’t mean I will have lost my muscle tone.
I need to think of the past few days as being on the world’s crappiest cruise with the world’s best buffet table. I ate to excess (for me) but I’ll bounce back. This is my dietary week's staycation.
The staycation is over tomorrow, weigh in day (Saturday because of these meetings) be damned.
I can do this. I WILL do this.
If for no other reason, so I don’t have to write another blog entry like this.
Thanks for listening again. Thanks for still supporting me. Thanks for continuing to have my back.
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