General Stuff

So this week.

I so totally didn’t see it coming how shitty it would be.

Between the one year anniversary of my grandfather’s death (another Mac truck lurking in the bushes) and other bullshit, I haven’t been myself. Not that “myself” is usually a big old ray of sunshine, but I’ve felt a little more “dark cloud” than usual.

As I’ve divulged, I had to deal with the financial mess I’ve gotten myself into. Open and honest, I’m not the most financially responsible person. I came of age in an “Era of Plastic”, and I assumed I could pay tomorrow what I bought today. I literally have lived on credit, and when my ability to pay that credit back has been lacking, I’ve been at a loss.

The time for blame games has come and gone, and while I could point out where I (emphasis on the “I” here) went wrong, what’s the point? I’ve gotten myself into a hole, and as my father pointed out, I need to work myself out of it. What I find distressing is when I’ve reached out to the companies I’ve gotten myself into debt with, explained my situation, asked for help/understanding and have been rejected, I find demands and offers for deals now a bit unsettling after I’ve “gone nuclear”.

Off topic: I do love a good quote-mark and parenthetical, don’t I?

Anyhow, I after I “went nuclear” on payday loans (see previous entries) by getting into bed with a debt consolidation company, I understand why I’m getting calls and emails in the meantime, but I resent them when I asked for some breathing room. Selfish, immature? Perhaps, but as I’ve told one of my lifelines, I asked for help, and since you said no, this is the best I can do right now, so it’s that or nothing.

In other news, on family stuff, I’m not sure I’ve quite dealt with my grandfather’s death, the aftermath, and exactly what that has meant for my family. I think out little unit (me, mom and sis) have dealt with it in our own ways (me? Spending, exercise and binging in various quantities), and now, as of this writing, I’ve dealt with it via my old buddy food.

Yesterday and today have been a bad days, and I know (KNOW) that tomorrow will be better, but I’m disappointed that yesterday I turned to a jar of peanut butter and a soft pretzel for comfort (today, peanut butter and not quite so caloric carbs). I’ve been better today, but no angel, but any means but at least I got in a kick ass run. I know that between emotions and phone calls, I couldn’t deal intellectually, so I had to find other ways of coping, even if they weren't healthy, otherwise I'd explode.

I thought I knew better, and I do, but the past two days I’ve felt like the better part of valor was to stuff the feelings down until I can deal with them in smallerr quantities. I know that’s never good, but in some way, I’ve been leaning a bit too hard on my support network, and maybe I need the old ways. Nonsensical? Perhaps. Justification? Absolutely. But I know tomorrow will be better because it has to be better. I have no other option.

I need to be gentler and more understanding with myself, and more importantly, find ways of coping that don’t involve eating or spending money I don’t have. Today’s missteps don’t need to become tomorrow’s reality. Maybe sometimes, today peanut butter is the answer, and actually dealing with reality can be the answer tomorrow.