Moving Forward

I feel like I owe an update from Tuesday's post.

First of all, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everybody - those of you who I asked for help, those of you reached out and those of you have supported me from afar.

The past few days have been better - not great, but better. I am in a better place than I was on Monday I'm happy to report.

The payday loan consolidation business is still ongoing...at least one company is still emailing and calling (thus freaking me out) while the negotiation process proceeds, but each day gets a little better. I'm really trying to hold onto this feeling, this moment, so I remember to never allow myself to get in this situation again.

Dodging phone calls, asking to borrow money from friends and family is not pleasant. It's actually humiliating, but I'm trying to work through this as a learning process.

My part-time gig is coming together, and I'm really excited about it. Not going into names, but it's as a freelance consultant for a cosmetics company. I'll be going to different department stores in the area when they have events (product launch, GWP, PWP or other events) and working directly with customers and helping with their skin care and make up needs and concerns so the regular staff can focus on their normal business. I love playing with makeup - I have a brush roll that even I think is a bit over the top (see: shopping, impulse control issues) so I think this will be a great fit for me. It will be feast or famine as far as hours, but I think that may be a good thing, and one of my friends does the scheduling, so no chance of being overworked or abused. I just need to leave the debit card at home when I work so no temptation of spending while in the belly of the beast.

Food and stuff, well, it's always going to be an ongoing process, isn't it? I binged over the weekend, mostly due to stress, but on some level, I frankly wanted to eat what I wanted to eat, as much as I wanted to eat, when I wanted to eat it. I have gotten my workouts back on track - and I'm happy to say that I'm also gradually cutting down. I still do a hardcore workout (and by hardcore I mean a 60 to 75 minute high intensity cardio like the stair master or a run) 5 or 6 days a week, and I still work with my trainer twice a week (thank you dad for that "scholarship"), but I'm not doing the double hardcore like I was some days and I'm giving myself a day off.

Weigh in may not be what I want it to be this week, but that's life. I had a hard week, I also got my period (hello! TMI!) and crying only burns so many calories. I need to not only accept, but embrace the fact that weight is variable - that it will fluctuate regardless of what I eat or do. Even if I gain 5 pounds, I can lose it, and I'm no where near my heaviest weight.

I'm trying to embrace the credo of Be Kind To Yourself. I had a therapist who said this to me, and at the time, I frankly thought it was b/s, but now I'm seeing the reality of it.

So there it is, the latest update. BTW, running in my first 10k this Saturday for LIVESTRONG (here's a another plug - if you can and want to donate, here's the link to my fundraising page: http://philly2011.livestrong.org/bethina74). Fingers crossed the weather holds out and it will be a great run for a great cause.

Yesterday

I hate Mondays. Not to be cliché, but they never really have been my favorite day. As a kid, before I got on anti-anxiety medication, Sunday was the day of the butterflies fluttering about my stomach, nervous as hell for the week ahead. I didn’t go to school in a gulag, although Catholic School did seem like a military prison at times. But Sunday, for whatever reason, filled me the dread of not knowing what was to come, or dreading what I knew was to come – a test, a paper or dealing with things I didn’t want to deal with.

Yesterday was the prime example of why Mondays suck. My work day started with waking up in a blind panic, having overslept and missing my workout, which is as important as my coffee anymore to getting the day started right. I proceeded on my way to work, realized halfway there I didn’t grab a fresh sports water bottle for the gym. I had a partial left over (don’t gross out- I was going to empty it and rinse it when I got to work) that I threw in my purse when I got out of my car.

I put my purse down, and realized to my horror that the water bottle, which was about ¾ full, was now empty. As in 0 water left in the bottle, and the contents pooled in the bottom of my purse. Direct on top of my iPod, check book, pressed powder compact, etc.

On the bright side, my purse got a long overdue cleaning out, literally for the surviving contents, physically for the stuff I had to toss. My iPod is currently hiding in a vat of rice and I’m hoping for a recovery.

The rest of the day went downhill, and it went downhill quickly.

As I mentioned, I did some dumb stuff financially. There are reasons for it, reasons I need to talk to a professional type person about, which is going to cost more money, but things I need to deal with. Somewhere around 3:30, I panicked, and realized that once I paid my car payment, car insurance and gym (which requires a 30 day cancellation notice if I were to cancel) I was going to be seriously overdrawn. Forget the fact that it’s the middle of the month and I don’t get an infusion of cash for another 2+ weeks.

I reached out to some people for help, which thankfully came through, while I’m getting affairs in order (selling things I no longer need and use, getting a part time job) but essentially ended my day sitting at my sister’s island in her kitchen sobbing like I haven’t in a long time.

I’ve come to the realization that there is shit I haven’t dealt with, and haven’t wanted to deal with, for a long time. I’ve been dealing with it any way except actually dealing with it or feeling the emotion – up until a year ago, eating (thereby stuffing the feelings away), now running (actually running away from my problems) and other times, shopping. It’s all been about avoiding feelings I’d rather not deal with, rather not feel – loneliness, low self esteem, and in some ways, anger.

The shopping that needs to stop. I won’t go into the psychology of it here, but suffice it to say, I need to deal with it, and retail is not the answer. I’m getting that under control, and trying really hard to pay off the debts I’ve incurred.

Some real life changes are also in order. I haven’t really been happy with myself in a long time – I thought losing weight was going to do it. All that’s done is make me healthier (yay!), thinner (yay!) but it hasn’t changed the inside problems that I need to get to the core of. I suspect that much like my financial situation, things are going to get worse before they get better, but after talking it out, crying it out, and sleeping on it, I know that they will get better because I’ve got plans in place.

Today started out with oversleeping again, but I think my body needed it. I felt like a wrung out dishrag last night – bloodshot eyes and head hurting from crying, face puffy from the same. Today I suspect my face looks a little worse for wear, and my mind is still preoccupied, but I need to power through. Gym after work, straight home and one foot in front of the other.

I know I’ve asked for this before, but I’m going to ask again, whoever is out there, whoever reads this. Please keep me in your prayers – whether they are to God, Jesus, Allah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I’m keeping you in all in mine as well.

General Stuff

So this week.

I so totally didn’t see it coming how shitty it would be.

Between the one year anniversary of my grandfather’s death (another Mac truck lurking in the bushes) and other bullshit, I haven’t been myself. Not that “myself” is usually a big old ray of sunshine, but I’ve felt a little more “dark cloud” than usual.

As I’ve divulged, I had to deal with the financial mess I’ve gotten myself into. Open and honest, I’m not the most financially responsible person. I came of age in an “Era of Plastic”, and I assumed I could pay tomorrow what I bought today. I literally have lived on credit, and when my ability to pay that credit back has been lacking, I’ve been at a loss.

The time for blame games has come and gone, and while I could point out where I (emphasis on the “I” here) went wrong, what’s the point? I’ve gotten myself into a hole, and as my father pointed out, I need to work myself out of it. What I find distressing is when I’ve reached out to the companies I’ve gotten myself into debt with, explained my situation, asked for help/understanding and have been rejected, I find demands and offers for deals now a bit unsettling after I’ve “gone nuclear”.

Off topic: I do love a good quote-mark and parenthetical, don’t I?

Anyhow, I after I “went nuclear” on payday loans (see previous entries) by getting into bed with a debt consolidation company, I understand why I’m getting calls and emails in the meantime, but I resent them when I asked for some breathing room. Selfish, immature? Perhaps, but as I’ve told one of my lifelines, I asked for help, and since you said no, this is the best I can do right now, so it’s that or nothing.

In other news, on family stuff, I’m not sure I’ve quite dealt with my grandfather’s death, the aftermath, and exactly what that has meant for my family. I think out little unit (me, mom and sis) have dealt with it in our own ways (me? Spending, exercise and binging in various quantities), and now, as of this writing, I’ve dealt with it via my old buddy food.

Yesterday and today have been a bad days, and I know (KNOW) that tomorrow will be better, but I’m disappointed that yesterday I turned to a jar of peanut butter and a soft pretzel for comfort (today, peanut butter and not quite so caloric carbs). I’ve been better today, but no angel, but any means but at least I got in a kick ass run. I know that between emotions and phone calls, I couldn’t deal intellectually, so I had to find other ways of coping, even if they weren't healthy, otherwise I'd explode.

I thought I knew better, and I do, but the past two days I’ve felt like the better part of valor was to stuff the feelings down until I can deal with them in smallerr quantities. I know that’s never good, but in some way, I’ve been leaning a bit too hard on my support network, and maybe I need the old ways. Nonsensical? Perhaps. Justification? Absolutely. But I know tomorrow will be better because it has to be better. I have no other option.

I need to be gentler and more understanding with myself, and more importantly, find ways of coping that don’t involve eating or spending money I don’t have. Today’s missteps don’t need to become tomorrow’s reality. Maybe sometimes, today peanut butter is the answer, and actually dealing with reality can be the answer tomorrow.

One Year

Sunday marks one year since your passing. I wonder if you’re looking down and wondering how it all went so wrong or if you’re surprised it took as long as it did for us all to fall out.

I’ll be honest, I love you, but I’m still mad as hell with you for what you left behind for us to deal with. I wish you had been man enough to deal with your own mortality, instead of sticking your head in the sand and pretending you were going to live forever. I wish you had taken off the blinders you wore when it came to your youngest, and realized you were leaving your wife in the care of a narcissistic drug addict, and leaving the rest of us powerless to do anything about it. I wish for once you had stood up to your youngest, made her grow up and stand on her own two feet, and take responsibility for her actions, the way I have been made to do.

Instead you ignored it all.

Now I have no contact with most of one side of my family. I realize I lost my grandmother, your wife, the day we received the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, but the day you died, and left her in the care of your youngest daughter, I lost my grandmother, as well as my grandfather, for good. Your youngest was never made to be accountable, and when we, that is my mother, sister and I, asked her to do so, we were cut off.

So here it is – your dying wish was that my mother and her sister not fight. The unspoken wish was that my mother roll over and play dead. Allow her sister to continue to do what she wanted, regardless of the consequences, now unchecked with your passing. Fortunately, my mother had the wherewithal, with the support of me and my sister, to stand up to her, your youngest daughter, and not allow herself or her family to play a part in that play.

I’m proud of my mother, but I can’t say I’m not angry. I’m angry it had to come so long after it started to play out. I’m angry you didn’t face up to things, and accept that my grandmother, and you for that matter, needed care. Maybe you’d still be with us, maybe my grandmother would be slightly better off than she is. Maybe your youngest daughter would be a better person, not the pill popping, money grubbing self centered brat she has become, and may have always been.

We’ll never know.

Sunday marks one year since you left us. I love you and I miss you, but I’m angry with you for the mess you left behind.

Update

So I have a little update on yesterday's blog post.

I started to look into payday loan consolidation, and the more I read, the more it made sense. They negotiate with the creditors, get interest rates lowered and get payment plans in place.

I got a reply from a query, the person sending me the information urged me to research other companies and find out what they could do (always a good sign - when any professional balks at a second opinion, I run, when they encourage it, I almost feel like it's a sign from God).

I had planned to suck it up this month. I asked my father to let me slide on money I give him each month. He agreed. I called my car loan company and asked them for an extension, it's still pending, but even if it's approved, only principal is waived for one month. Will need to pay interest and the full amount next month, but it's a help. I was still going to be underwater.

I slept on it and decided it was the right move. I called the consolidation company this morning and the woman asked me why I was waiting a month. I explained to her that I thought since it was already close to the end of the month, I had missed my opportunity. She explained that most of their clients call right before they get paid and they realize they are in trouble and they could help.

I quickly sped over to my bank to make arrangements - the person who helped me was wonderful. Non-judgemental, understanding, we bonded over running (we're both running in the Philadelphia Marathon - her the full, me the half). She helped me block payments, change accounts, begin the process of getting my house in order.

When I returned to the office, I faxed over the paperwork to the consolidation company, and as I understand it, they are already calling my creditors and faxing over letters.

It all feels too good to be true.

My internal pessimist wonders if it is. I'm holding my breath, but I feel like a weight has been lifted. I huge $6k one.

I've vowed to live within my means. No more loans, cash only. This can't happen again, it won't happen again. Much like my weight and exercise, I need to be healthy financially.

Austerity is the new black.

Dirty Laundry

It's dirty laundry time.

As I'm sure most of you have figured out, I'm an idiot. A big old dumb idiot, always have been, but over the past 2 1/2 years, I seem to have gotten dumber.

It all started when I was promoted. That promotion came with a kicker, my nice bi-weekly paycheck suddenly went to monthly. I scrambled, but still needed to cover the bills. I discovered this great new way of covering my expenses, just a few hundred.

Pay Day Loans

For those of you who have heard of them, I'm sure would you physically slap me upside the head for falling into this trap. For those of you who haven't, let me serve as a cautionary tale.

Basically, they are high interest loans, meant to be paid back on your next payday, in my case, 30 days later.

No problem, I thought. Better days will be here soon.

2 1/2 years later, I'm in a shitload of trouble. I mean big, old heaping mess of shit to the tune of $6,000+ and I'm trying to figure a way out. I was told pay increases were coming, and I found out today what that number actually meant - it came out to roughly $25 more a week. Yeah, not helpful.

As of this month, my outgoings are $1000 more than my incomings if I don't take out (yet another) loan. I am determined not to do that.

I'm begging, scrambling and basically in a tizzy, none of this is actually helping.

Just need to vent, share what's on my mind. I'm working on a way out, I'm just scared, sad and feeling stupid. Just another day in the life of Beth. Yay!

Tomorrow

This week has been a bit of a repeat of the Memorial Day debacle. Lots of eating, and eating of the wrong things, and not as much exercise as I would have liked given that amount of eating.

Tomorrow is weigh in day - the albatross around my neck.

That said, I’m ready for it (it being WW tomorrow), and I’m working on getting myself into a better place than I was last time.

Last time I faced my fear – a big gain, I lost it, and then some, the next week. In fact, I lost even more in the following weeks, to the point where I wasn’t sure that the numbers were real – meaning really “me”.

Tonight, I’m trying to get myself into the space I was the first time I saw the scale go below 140, let alone 135. I’m expecting a 2 pound gain, if not more. Yeah, I was “that” bad on 4th of July (and the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 5th - hey, it’s our Nation’s Birthday, I have no kids, and even Richard Simmons says you should have a piece of cake on your kid’s birthday. Seeing as I have none, I was eating cake for the country, and let me tell ya people, that’s a lot of cake. A lot.).

In a non-scale victory related front, I had a major victory. I ran in a 5k I had vaguely entertained entering the past 2 years it was held. On the 4th of July, a hut, humid, generally muggy day, I managed a 3.1 mile road race (up and down hills, the last part up) in 24 minutes, 12 seconds; a 7 minute 47 second mile. For those of you who don’t run, that is huge! 7 months ago, I ran a race hoping to come in under 12 minutes per mile. My mind was blown.

Of course, I reacted to this news by eating ¾ of a bagel, a soft pretzel, ice cream, lots of diet bread, and la piece de resistance, my buddy, peanut butter. Oh, and lots of water, some turkey and fruit. But mostly junk. Because why else do you work out?

Guess what? I didn’t freak out (ok, freak out for me…I did go on a 90 minute walk that afternoon, but that was more to occupy myself with something that didn’t (a) incur calories or (b) cost money).

I’ve clearly come a huge way , in my mind, – I never would have entertained running the entire length of a 5k, let alone in under a half an hour, one year ago today. So what if I’ve gained a pound or two (or three)? Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt. I can lose it, and I will.

So there inner voice. Fuck you. I’ve got this.