Happy New Year/Resolutions!

This is a bit of a departure...I typically type my year end blog, drunk as a lord (never really understood that phrase) while watching the Food Network. But, I have a better offer this year, so I'm sipping a glass of red, reasonably sober, watching a DVR'd episode of Law & Order: UK (which BTW, good show - highly recommend it).

So, Happy New Year all! 2010 is almost behind us (fortunately). Not the worst year, but certainly not the best. There are some things I could have done without. But, going to focus on the positive and wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011.

On to my resolutions.

In 2011, I will be, at the very least, this weight or skinner by this time next year. I'm going to be realistic. While I'd like to be a size 6, I don't want to go crazy. I want to reach my goal weight to be "Lifetime In Good Standing" at Weight Watchers, which means that I need to lose another 30 pounds or so, but if I stay this weight, I think I can deal.

I'm going to try to not let certain people get under my skin in 2011. I really wish Facebook had a "penalty box" where you could allocate people who are annoying you for the moment (and let them know, gently), but given that doesn't exist, and I think I've set a record for unfriending people, I'm just going to use the "Hide From Feed" option more often, and reserve unfriending for really onerous people.

I'd like to move on from miserably marinating in my single status. I hide behind it, use it as an excuse to be miserable. I'm single, that's the way it is, and may be the way it will be. I'm going to try (read: try) to embrace the freedom that entails. And wear warm socks to keep my feet warm at night.

I need to love or leave my job. I like it, there are things that I'd change, but I need to decide if this is going to be my career, or if there is something else I'm meant for. Not sure if that means committing to going back to school, or becoming, oh, I don't know, a Butterfly Keeper, but I'm 36. Pretty sure that means I'm a Grown Up, and Grown Ups have careers.

Run a 10k. I've done 2 5ks in 2010, and finished them vertically. I need another challenge. I think a 10k, or perhaps a half marathon is the next adventure.

So that's it. My 2010 closing message and 2011 resolutions. Wishing you a safe, happy and healthy New Year, wherever you are!

Ramblings...and a Letter to Santa

I'm not sure about the "I'm Sorry" ban to be honest. I think apologizing is so ingrained into my speech I've stopped noticing it. That said, when I'm aware, I've tried to refrain.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that I was wrong, not that I'm sorry, but that I was wrong. This kind of admission is rare, so take this moment for what it's worth. I've been on the new Weight Watchers plan for two weeks and I've lost 7.4pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 59.4 pounds, and my BMI to 29.97. For those of you who don't monitor BMI stats, this number means that I've gone from being Obese (such an ugly word) to merely being Overweight.

If you may recall, I kicked, screamed and tried to rebel against the new program that Weight Watchers has implemented. I'm still not thrilled with it, having to cut back, drastically, on carbs, but 7.4 lbs in two weeks isn't to be sneezed at. I also took a leap today about bought size 12P jeans. When I started back in June, I was squeezing myself into 22WP, so I'm pretty happy.

So, I admit it Weight Watchers, the new program does work. I'll give you your due. But I'm not sorry for doubting.

So, onto my next point. It may be a bit late, but here is my letter to Santa...

Dear Santa,

Hi, it's Beth again. I know, I was too old last year, and I'm definitely too old this year, but I wanted to give you a heads up. I know it may be too late for this year, since according to NORAD you're somewhere over Argentina as I write this at 9:15 on Christmas Eve. But, since you're magic, maybe you can pull something off.

As before, you should know I've been a very good girl. I even attempted to curtail my cursing. I've lost weight, and I haven't killed anyone in the midst of it, so that should put me on your "Nice" list.

Due to circumstances which I am sure were beyond your control, you weren't able to come through with some of the stuff I asked for last year, see , so I'd like to incorporate that by reference, particularly the salary and boyfriend points.

I'd like to ask you for a few more things...jobs for people who need them, and for homes and food for people who don't have them. I'd also like for you to bring the troops home from places of hostility, like Iraq and Afghanistan. Also, please keep our firefighters and police officers safe. Please find homes for the dogs and cats who are waiting to find their forever homes, and help the rescues find funds to keep their services running.

Oh, and being totally selfish, I would still like to have Gisele Bundchen's body, but I'd be happy with my own, a bit toner and muscular. Some willpower would be nice. Bogey, Candy and Ted would always like toys (and more treats), and gift certificates for mom and dad are always good.

Safe flying tonight Santa. If you get patted down by a cute, single, TSA agent, send him my way. There's some Scotch, Pinot and cookies by the fire place for you.

Love,

Beth

No Regrets

I've found myself saying "I'm sorry" way too much recently, particularly for things that I probably shouldn't be sorry for.

For example, "Sorry, I can't go out tonight, I'm tired" "Sorry, I can't go out to eat, I'm watching my weight" "Sorry, I'm not able to watch your child, I have other plans"

Why am I sorry for putting myself first? It's not like I'm refusing to help a dying person or I've run over a kitten.

I've worked really hard over the past few months to work on myself. Eating right, working out, but apparently that has taken the place of taking care of myself in other ways. I've shed pounds of physical weight (55 pounds to be exact) but I think I've added a corresponding amount in guilt.

To be fair, I am Irish and Italian. And Catholic. All known for their guilt issues.

Well, I'm going to try to put a stop to it. In April I attempted the "Great Swear Experiment", where I tried to give up cursing. Did it work? 'F no, but I tried. I at least was more aware of my foul mouth. So now, I'm going to try to give up saying "I'm sorry" when I really shouldn't be.

No apologies for going to the gym.

No apologies for eating right.

No apologies for putting myself first.

I'll say I'm sorry if I've stepped on your foot, done something to offend you, cursed in front of your four year old or stepped on your dog's tail. But if I don't want to do something, then so be it. If I need to do something for me, deal with it.

P.S. For the record, trying fighting the urge to say "sorry if I offend you" so I'll replace that with "Deal with it. Holla atcha girl."

P.P.S. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Also, Happy Kwanzaa and Happy Belated Hanukkah!

Change Is Good.....Right?

I've been having a temper tantrum for the past two weeks.

Yes, you read that right. This 36 year old woman has been having a good old fashioned temper tantrum.

Why, you might ask? Weight Watchers changed its plan. And not just a few tweaks, but a major overhaul.

I've heard buzzing for a few weeks, but nothing concrete. "You'll love it" said my leader. So last Monday, after having had a long food centric weekend (give me a break, I was on program on Thanksgiving. No pumpkin pie for me. I had weigh in on Black Friday, and lost over 2 pounds), I booted up my computer, logged onto eTools on WeightWatchers.com, and was thrust into the new program despite my meeting not being for another four days.

The FAQ informed me that as November 29, WW.com wasn't supporting the old plan. I was thrown for a loop. eTools was my lifeline. I literally was on the website tracking food, exercise, etc all day. When I came home from work, I booted up the website so I could track my dinner, down to the gram and didn't log off until I had eaten my last Point.

The changes? Pretty overwhelming. My 3 point lunch was now 6. My beloved wine just about doubled in Points. I logged in my breakfast, lunch and dinner (no snacks) and was 3 Points over for the day, where on the old plan I was 3 or 4 points under with midday snacks factored in.

"But fruit is 0 points!" "My daily points allowance almost doubled!" "Just exercise more!" The message boards were of no comfort.

I wasn't happy. I don't particularly like fruit. My points allowance only went up by 5 Points. And as for exercise more? Bitch, please. I already do high intensity exercise 6 days a week. Am I supposed to run in my sleep?

My grown up, mature response was to go off program. I've exercised once since the day before Thanksgiving. I've been having full-fat Caesar dressing, with croutons, on my salad for lunch. I had a bagel with regular cream cheese for breakfast on Monday. Tonight I had a chicken steak sandwich (with mushrooms, no cheese) with a side of fries.

What? My meeting is tomorrow. I'll behave then.

I've been ranting on message boards. I've emailed WW twice. I even posted a snarky remark on the CEO's blog, begging them to support the old WW plan. All to no avail.

So, I'm going to suck it up. Back to my meeting tomorrow, up a couple of pounds most likely. I'm giving the new plan a shot, decreasing my wine intake (sob!) and increasing my fruit and veg. I'm not saying I'm happy about it, but a change may do me some good.

Side note: in the past two days at work, I've had three different people approach me to comment on my weight loss. Funny how that happens when I'm off plan. That encouragement has helped, I admit it. A part of me wanted to throw in the towel and use this change as an excuse. I realize I've come too far to go back now.

The Doctor Is In

I have a lot of flaws. I admit it. I once paid somebody upwards of $30 a week to help me understand them, and in some cases, point them out to me.

It's not that I'm ignorant of these flaws. I'm overly sensitive, have a short temper, like to overeat, and when I overeat, it's typically unhealthy foods. I don't like to exercise, tend to shove my head up my ass (despite my lack of flexibility), get attracted to the wrong guys, have a negative outlook, and when I get drunk, oh boy, better get a hazmat crew.

Lack of self awareness, that is something I don't lack.

Some people tell me I'm too hard on myself. There are times I agree. There's a great song that comes to mind at times like this, with the following lyric:

"It's no surprise to me,
I am my own worst enemy.
'Cause every now and then
I kick the livin' shit out of me"

That said, it may come as a surprise to you that I really, REALLY, resent it when other people try to fill the roll of de facto devil on my shoulder.

There are some people in my life who feel the need to knock me down a few pegs from time to time. I'm not sure they are aware of where I am from a mental status when they decide to do it. To be honest, when these people decide to come out of the woodwork, I'm typically at a low ebb. Perhaps they are at a low ebb as well, and decide to take a hit at the low hanging fruit, so to speak. I'm not exactly closed off to input. I'm always open to hearing other people's POV, but as I've gotten older, I've gotten more sensitive to the context.

For example, one area that is an oldie but a goodie is my living situation. I make no secret of the fact that I still live with my parents. It's an arrangement that actually works for me. I have two dogs, and given the fact that I have had days that include 14 conference calls with 30 minute lunch breaks, it makes having two other adults in the house a positive. I can also go away on vacation without paying a large fee to a kennel to keep them fed and watered. Despite that, there are people who feel I am living in a state of arrested development, and like to criticize that fact. To them I flash my Coach bag, Michael Kors watch and my gym membership. I wouldn't have any of them if I was living on my own in an apartment, let alone the companionship of my parents and two loving animals.

Then there are those who feel that my occasional gripes about work are inappropriate. Make no mistake, I love what I do, and I am lucky enough to have a mentor in my boss, a woman who I have worked for at two different companies. She pushed me out of my admin assistant role, one that benefited her, into a role that made me realize my potential. That said, there are frustrations, ones that would manifest themselves if I was a nun in a Carmelite monastery, or a hedge fund broker on Wall Street. I know I'm lucky to have a job, but let me have my occasional gripes. They keep me sane.

Ah, then there is that old chestnut, the size of my ass. I had one person who told me that the magic bullet, in response to my fears about a high school reunion, was to eat less, drink more water, and exercise more. I wanted to throttle her. Needless to say, she isn't someone I go to for advice. When I'm working the program (WW for those of you who don't know), I appreciate the support. However, when I'm feeling low (i.e. fat, flabby and otherwise insecure), I'd rather not hear about what I'm doing wrong. I know cheese fries aren't a health food, I don't need someone to tell me otherwise.

If I sound bratty, churlish, or ungrateful, I apologize. I love my friends, all of them. There are some who are closer than others, and those are the ones I have on my mental "Council of Buds". The ones I go to for an opinion, even if I know it might not be one I want to hear. They are the ones who will say "yes" if I ask "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?"

Of course, those friends are the ones I probably wouldn't ask that question of on a low ebb day.

But I digress. I'm not what I consider a closed minded person, but I think that sometimes my general nature leads people to believe that I am weak minded, or one who desperately needs their advice. I won't tell someone off, or say that my feelings are hurt, but know that sometimes words do hurt. So, in the words of George Carlin, be careful with them.

If I ask for your advice, by all means, I want it, unvarnished. If I don't ask for your opinion, feel free to keep your trap shut.

Thanks

Reflections

For those of you living under a rock (or who have smartly blocked my updates from your Facebook feed) I will be celebrating a birthday on Wednesday. Wait...celebrating may be the wrong word, especially since I will be entering my late 30s, as my boss kindly pointed out. Of course, given the alternative, that alternative being dead, I guess marking another birthday isn't a bad thing, so bottoms up!

As I've gotten older, my birthday has triggered periods of introspection. Who am I? Where am I in my life? Who do I want to be? I guess that's normal, especially as one gets older, but it's kind of new for me. Growing up, my birthday was just a day for celebration. Where's my present, pass the cake, and once I turned 21, is the bar open yet? Those were the questions of the day. Not this deep introspective shit.

But for better or worse, this is where I'm at. Consider this my personal State of the Union address.

Friends, Family, the state of my union (to continue this metaphor) is good. Not great, but good. 35 was an interesting year.

Thankfully, I'm still employed, some of my friends can't say that. And I like what I do, and most of the people I do it with, so that's a plus.

I branched out of my comfort zone this year. I rejoined a co-ed gym, started working out again after struggling with ED. I ventured back into running, started taking spinning classes, working with a trainer. I've tried to embrace balance - taking a day (or four) off, or even a week, and then getting back onto the program. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm embracing the concept of forgive yourself and move on.

I tried on-line dating (also again). I went on a few dates, and ultimately decided that the dating world isn't ready for me yet. But the take away is that I put myself out there, even though I was terrified of rejection. I'm still single, but after seeing what is out there, for the moment, that's OK. Mr. Right is out there, but we're not ready for each other yet.

I experienced loss this year losing my grandfather. I miss him, and I'm sad thinking about how it affected my family, but I hope I can live as full of a life as he did.

I'm still in touch with the friends I was blessed to reconnect with a few years ago. Without their support, this year would have been even more difficult.

Are there things I would have changed in my 35th year? Yes, if I'm honest, but I wouldn't trade what I have learned for anything.

Where do I want to be this time next year? Healthier (read: thinner, who the hell am I kidding with this healthier crap?), with a better self image. Still employed, hopefully making more money (Dear President Obama - work on the economy now, thanks). Closer to my family and friends, perhaps with a Mr. Beth by my side. But overall, another year like this one, eh...I could deal with it.

In closing, Happy Birthday to me. Here's to another 35 (hopefully more)!

Open Letter

Please excuse me this indulgence friends, but I have something I need to get off my chest and I'm not sure I'd have the guts to do this face to face.

Dear K,

Please pardon the lack of the honorific "Aunt", but given the events of the last few months, I'm not sure I can think of you that way anymore.

Before Grandpop died, you crossed the line, I admit that. It was out of respect for my grandfather that I didn't call you out on it. You talked to my mother like she was crap and she took it, and believe me, that had little to do with the advice my sister and I gave.

You wanted to let my grandfather die like he was a dog on the side of the road. I thank God that my sister and my mother called that morning, and my sister put her livelihood on the line that day. She put her career at risk to ensure that our grandfather didn't suffocate in pain. You wanted to let him suffer. I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for that.

Your tantrum the day after grandpop died was unacceptable, and your accusations towward my mother were uncalled for.

You are the one who cannot be trusted, not my mother.

I've stayed away until recently. Not because I don't love my grandmother, but because I respect her, and I respect my mother. I allowed myself to think better of you, in spite of your actions in the days after my grandfather's death. I allowed myself to think that you had turned a corner.

Tonight that all changed. The old "K" came back, talking to my mother like she was a piece of shit. I won't forgive that. I won't forgive you.

I'm done. Saturday just may have been the last time you'll ever see me. I hope you can live with that. I hope you can live with yourself.

Fuck you.