Fear and Present Stupidity – Reunion Edition

It’s been five years since I’ve had the pleasure of enduring that age old rite of passage – the high school reunion. Five years ago, I felt like I was in a good place – slim (for me), a great job, in a good place. I felt different from the dork that I saw myself as in high school – good hair, better makeup application, contact lenses and, I think, a better disposition.

In a few days, I’ll be attending my reunion again, but this time, feeling like I am in a very different place. Still better hair, better makeup application, LASIK’d eyes and I think still a better disposition. But this time, I feel like I am in a different place, and I’m not entirely sure I like it. Growth and change are hard.

About a month and a half ago, I was walking with my friend Ashia and asking her if she had heard if a reunion was in the offing. She told me that, like me, she hadn’t heard that one was being planned. Five years ago I helped to plan our reunion much to my close friends’ surprise, and after the fact I wasn’t sure if I would do it again, and at the time of that walk (or crawl as the case may be), I had no intention of even going, let alone planning the event. I’m sure she’ll back me up on this, but if I recall, despite my oxygen deprived state, my words were “no effing way Ash, I’d rather have anesthetic-less root canal”.

Being the nosy person that I am, I made my status on Facebook the following Monday “Beth is wondering what’s going on with the 15 year reunion”. I had a bunch of replies, and the message was that one wasn’t being planned and that people were bummed. Nature abhors a vacuum, and yes Joy, I still am a “people-pleaser” at heart. So I started planning. To my surprise, it’s been fun. I’ve talked to people I hadn’t spoken to in years. Some, I probably had never so much as exchanged a “hi” with in high school. It’s been a lot of fun seeing the people my classmates have grown up to be, even though I still can’t believe we are old enough to have children!

On another level though, I am dreading Saturday night. I don’t look my best – to say I’ve gained weight since the last reunion is a gross understatement. I love my new job but I feel as though I am looked down on for my title. Hell, I still live with my parents, although much to my surprise when I have shared this fact, I have been given a high five or a slap on the back.

If I was talking to my therapist, I would tell her that on the bright side, I didn’t embark on a crash diet. I know that when I was at my thinnest, I wasn’t necessarily at my healthiest or happiest. Yes, I live with my parents, but I have a great relationship with them, it for works for us, and why change what isn’t broken? I have a great job, a fantastic boss, and terrific co-workers. I no longer have to do the cost-benefit analysis of “eat a French Fry or hire a defense attorney”. I am with a company that I believe in and want to grow with, and I am happy in my job.

I am working on the inside me for once in my life. I feel like I am discovering who Beth is, not just who Beth is in relationship to other people, how they feel about me or what I can do for them. I still have room to grow, who doesn’t? I just hope that I don’t lose the core of myself. The person who says “yes” when I’m asked to support a cause, the one who has to change the channel when the Humane Society commercial comes on because I get teary when I see the abused animals. To be blunt, I need to get over myself, pull my head out of my ass, and understand that the size of my gut is of no consequence to anyone but me.

I went to see one of my doctors the other week and she kindly asked me about how I was doing with weight management and my E.D. I told her it was a process, and I mentioned the reunion. She told me that getting dressed probably would be the hardest part, but once I got started socializing, it wouldn’t matter. I’m taking her word for it, for once and planning to put my money where my mouth is. Ready or not Bishop Kenrick Class of 1993, this is Beth 2.0, and I’m on my way.