The fat chick on the left – yep, that’s me. When I first saw this posted on Facebook, I had a mix of emotions – sadness that I let myself go, anger that it was posted in the first place, determination to lose weight, amusement at the sight of my prison guard brother in law wearing Mickey Mouse ears.
So it’s been about a month and half since I’ve seen that picture. The sad thing is that it was taken in March and I most definitely have gained more weight since then. The even sadder thing is that I haven’t done a damn thing about it.
I’ve had a lot of things going on and have been using that as an excuse. Work was stressful. Looking for a new job. Going on vacation. Starting a new job. My birthday was coming up. Thanksgiving is coming up, then Christmas and New Years. Lord knows Arbor Day is a huge party day. And don’t get me started about the President’s Day feast. The list goes on and on.
Who am I kidding? Myself – at times yes. I do live in a fairly delusional place where at times I think I’m thinner than I am. Then I have times where I envision myself in “Fattest Woman in the World” status, having to get the fire department to knock out a wall and haul me to work on a flat bed truck.
The fact of the matter is I’m afraid. I’m afraid of failure, I’m also afraid of success. I’ve lost the weight before, but I’ve gone crazy with it; abused my body, abused my mind. I’m scared of going down that road again. I know I have safeguards in place so it won’t happen again, but I am pretty good at getting around those safeguards. I’m good at convincing myself “just this once”.
I don’t know when I am going to get my ass in gear. I know it needs to be soon and it needs to be for the right reasons. Not because my HS reunion is coming up (but if I could wake up on November 29 magically 80 pounds lighter I wouldn’t complain), not because my doctor is harassing me, but because I want to do it for me.
I have motivation – I want to do things and not get out of breath. I want to turn the damn fan off in November. I want to challenge Marley to a marathon, ok, maybe a half marathon, better yet a 5k. How about a brisk walk around the block?
So it’s been about a month and half since I’ve seen that picture. The sad thing is that it was taken in March and I most definitely have gained more weight since then. The even sadder thing is that I haven’t done a damn thing about it.
I’ve had a lot of things going on and have been using that as an excuse. Work was stressful. Looking for a new job. Going on vacation. Starting a new job. My birthday was coming up. Thanksgiving is coming up, then Christmas and New Years. Lord knows Arbor Day is a huge party day. And don’t get me started about the President’s Day feast. The list goes on and on.
Who am I kidding? Myself – at times yes. I do live in a fairly delusional place where at times I think I’m thinner than I am. Then I have times where I envision myself in “Fattest Woman in the World” status, having to get the fire department to knock out a wall and haul me to work on a flat bed truck.
The fact of the matter is I’m afraid. I’m afraid of failure, I’m also afraid of success. I’ve lost the weight before, but I’ve gone crazy with it; abused my body, abused my mind. I’m scared of going down that road again. I know I have safeguards in place so it won’t happen again, but I am pretty good at getting around those safeguards. I’m good at convincing myself “just this once”.
I don’t know when I am going to get my ass in gear. I know it needs to be soon and it needs to be for the right reasons. Not because my HS reunion is coming up (but if I could wake up on November 29 magically 80 pounds lighter I wouldn’t complain), not because my doctor is harassing me, but because I want to do it for me.
I have motivation – I want to do things and not get out of breath. I want to turn the damn fan off in November. I want to challenge Marley to a marathon, ok, maybe a half marathon, better yet a 5k. How about a brisk walk around the block?
I want to own the confidence I'm trying to fake. I’ll get there, one pound at a time.
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